My Ex Broke Me With Abuse. My 'Master' Put Me Back Together With Consensual Pain and Rope.
CULTURE
Praesen Jab log mujhe dekhte hain, woh ek simple, reserved Delhi wali ladki dekhte hain. Koi nahi jaanta ki main andar se tukdon mein banti hoon. Aur yeh tukde Rohan ne kiye the. Mera ex-boyfriend. Woh pyaar nahi, pagalpan tha. Uski maara-peet, uski zillat, woh achanak gusse mein aakar mere baalon ko kheench lena ya deewar mein dhakel dena... yeh sab bina kisi warning ke hota tha. Woh dard chaos tha. Control mere haath mein zero tha. Uske jaane ke baad, mera jism sirf ek khokhla bartan tha, jismein sirf nafrat aur numbness bhara tha.
Main therapy gayi, par koi faayda nahi hua. Dr. kehte the, "You need to regain control." Par mujhe control se darr lagta tha. Mujhe laga ki ab sirf koi aise jagah chahiye jahan dard mile, par woh dard mera chuna hua ho.
Aur phir main online kink communities mein ghusi. Wahan meri mulaqat Rajat se hui. Maine use apni kahani ka sirf ek chota sa hissa bataya. Usne ghanto tak meri baat suni. Woh ek 'Master' tha, par uska approach clinical aur structured tha. Usne pehle din hi kaha, "Main tumhein hurt karunga, par main tumhein kabhi torture nahi karunga. Tumhari safety meri zimmedari hai. Har baar tum 'Laal' (safeword) bol sakti ho."
Yeh 'Laal' shabd, jahan mere paas wapas control aa sakta tha, woh mere liye oxygen jaisa tha.
Hamara pehla session sex ke baare mein nahi tha. Woh sirf shibari (Japanese rope art) tha. Usne mujhe zameen par litaaya aur dheere-dheere mere haath, meri kamar, mere pairon ko moti, naram rassiyon se baandhna shuru kiya. Jab Rohan mujhe pakadta tha, woh meri haddiyon ko todne ki koshish karta tha. Par jab Rajat mujhe baandhta tha, toh woh mujhe thaam raha tha. Rassi itni tight thi ki khoon ka daura rukne lagta tha, ek teekhi jalan hoti thi. Par uss jalan mein ek shanti thi.
Main cheekhna chahti thi, par woh dard purana nahi tha. Yeh naya, saaf, chuna hua dard tha.
Rajat ne mere kaan mein fusfusaaya, "Yeh dard tumhari marzi hai, ZakhmiTitli. Isse feel karo. Ab yeh tumhara hai."
Aur uss pal, meri aankhon se aansu beh nikle. Main rohan ke liye nahi ro rahi thi. Main uss azaadi ke liye ro rahi thi jo mujhe is bandhan mein mili thi. Jab main poori tarah bandhi hui thi, jab main hil bhi nahi sakti thi, tab main sabse zyada safe aur controlled feel kar rahi thi. Kyunki har rassi ke knot mein Rajat ki permission thi, uska dhyaan tha. Woh mujhe maar nahi raha tha, woh mujhe shape de raha tha.
Aaj bhi, jab purani yaadein tang karti hain, main Rajat ke paas jaati hoon. Kabhi caning, kabhi flogging, kabhi sirf tight restraints. Har baar, jab mere jism par woh nishan bante hain jo maine khud chune hain, woh Rohan ke diye hue nishano par ek naya, saaf, ghamand bhara daag lag jaate hain.
Log BDSM ko ganda kehte hain, par mere liye yeh mera ilaaj hai. Rajat ne mere jism ko vaapas mera bana diya. Usne mujhe sikhaya ki main dard chunn sakti hoon, aur jab main dard chunti hoon, toh main shikaar nahi, shikaari banti hoon.
I don't need a safeword anymore. I need the rope.